Prime_Evil
Emperor Mongoose
Hey Wolf,
Does your work on SGB also include a new editorial pass over the text itself? I've just been reading the The Jewell of
Khadum Bey and noticed that certain sections of the text are written in the passive voice or have other minor grammatical issues.
Even the first paragraph of the adventure leads off in the passive voice - never a good sign:
I'm not a professional editor or anything, but to put my money where my mouth is, I'd probably rework the text like this:
In this sample, I've eliminated the passive voice, removed some repetion, and capitalised the word Padishah because it's a royal titles and the text is referring to a specific holder of the title.
I know that this is all fairly minor stuff and that it is probably too late to alter the text itself, but I just can't help being a grammar nazi even when I'm reading somebody else's work....it's an illness.... :lol:
Does your work on SGB also include a new editorial pass over the text itself? I've just been reading the The Jewell of
Khadum Bey and noticed that certain sections of the text are written in the passive voice or have other minor grammatical issues.
Even the first paragraph of the adventure leads off in the passive voice - never a good sign:
There are discontented nobles in Zul-Bazzir who conspire against the padishah of Khazistan. In secret, torch-lit chambers deep beneath their marble-walled mansions, they scheme and plot to overthrow the great king’s governor, Khadim Bey and to seize control of Zul-Bazzir.
Whispers of treason have reached the bey’s ears but as yet the traitors remain nameless and unknown. To aid the governor, the padishah has sent a personal agent to Zul-Bazzir, to help infiltrate and identify the disloyal nobles.
Through their own spies in the governor’s palace and harem, the scheming nobles know that the royal agent has arrived from Khazabad, posing as a lowly captain of a cavalry squad. To avoid revealing themselves, the rebel nobles need outsiders to assassinate the royal agent and try to set up the player adventurers to do so.
I'm not a professional editor or anything, but to put my money where my mouth is, I'd probably rework the text like this:
Discontented nobles conspire against the Padishah of Khazistan in Zul-Bazzir. They scheme to overthrow the great king’s governor, Khadim Bey, and seize control of Zul-Bazzir in secret, torch-lit chambers beneath their marble-walled mansions.
Whispers of treason have reached the bey’s ears but as yet the traitors remain nameless. The Padishah has dispatched a personal agent to Zul-Bazzir to aid the governor by infiltrating the conspiracy and identifying the disloyal nobles.
Through their own spies in the governor’s palace and harem, the scheming nobles know the royal agent has arrived from Khazabad, posing as a lowly captain of a cavalry squad. To avoid revealing themselves, the rebel nobles need outsiders to assassinate the royal agent and try to manipulate the player adventurers into doing so.
In this sample, I've eliminated the passive voice, removed some repetion, and capitalised the word Padishah because it's a royal titles and the text is referring to a specific holder of the title.
I know that this is all fairly minor stuff and that it is probably too late to alter the text itself, but I just can't help being a grammar nazi even when I'm reading somebody else's work....it's an illness.... :lol: