How Many Clones Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

[locarno24]

Armour plating over the Killbot’s left arm folded back to reveal something with far too many barrels. The INFRARED between the troubleshooters and the door to the other half of the barracks was vapourised.

[SECURE THE AREA. TERMINATE COMMIES] It repeated. Several laser shots glanced harmlessly off plates of reflec the size of paving slabs. A second weapon unfolded and vaporised the other INFRARED.

[WEAPONS EXPENDED. BEGINNING RECHARGE. PRIMARY ORDERS COMPLETE]
The guns folded away and the massive bot settled slightly in its stance.

“Nice!” Don-R grinned.

[SECONDARY ORDERS CONFIRMED] The bot announced.

“…Uh-oh.”
At this point, even Don-R has learned to run first and ask questions later. All four of the troubleshooters are legging it through the door as the Killbot’s grating voice continues.

[PRESERVE KILLBOT PROJECT SECRECY. TERMINATE WITNESSES]

The troubleshooters bundled their way past several dozen off-shift INFRAREDS in the other half of the barracks, most of whom were immediately vaporised by the Killbot’s weapons

[WEAPONS EXPENDED. BEGINNING RECHARGE]

The Killbot didn’t quite fit through the door. It smashed part of the wall down and continued pursuit., crushing the remainder of the INFRAREDs underfoot as it did so.

[PRESERVE KILLBOT PROJECT SECRECY. TERMINATE WITNESSES]

The barracks external door was just ahead of them. Hearing the guns slide out from under their armour plating again, they hit the access key and ran through it.

And fell down a massive hole in the platform.

 

[locarno24]

Transtube Platform

“Ow.” Observed Com-R
“Where are we?” Asked Yew-R
“Presumably, where the Transtube Platform was. They were taking it up with Jackhammerbots, remember?”

[PRESERVE KILLBOT PROJECT SECRECY. TERMINATE WITNESSES] came a grating voice from behind them. The troubleshooters scrabbled to their feet and began clambering up the concrete slope, following a team of GREEN-clad technicians who were running in a panic. As they did so, they heard a deafening crunch as the Killbot landed at the bottom of the pit behind them.

[PRESERVE KILLBOT PROJECT SECRECY. TERMINATE WITNESSES]

Two technicians were vaporised by heavy-calibre laserfire. The Killbot began to climb out of the hole after them.

Moments later, Ga-R-ETH-3 crested the top of the pit, only to see the gun-line of IntSec troopers, who’d heard the commotion on the construction site and believed they were under Commie attack, levelling their lasers at the armed RED-clad individual who’d violated what (you might recall) was a restricted GREEN area. There were quite a lot of laser-holes in him by the time he hit the floor.

The other three troubleshooters looked around desperately for something – anything – to hide behind. The only thing they could see was a large concrete mix-o-bot (currently churning quick-drying concrete to fill the hole in the platform. They dived for cover behind it, laser-fire from both the IntSec troopers and the Killbot was pouring into the mixing bot – before inspiration struck. .

“You do realise that how we can stop the psychotic death droid, yes?” Yew-R pointed at the control panel for the mix-o-bot.
“it’s as good a plan as any.” Don-R approved. “We’re not damaging computer property this way, just…restraining…it.”
Yew-R hit the ‘master dump’ switch.

Klunk! Floooooooooosh! Pthonk! Psshtt!
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!” Ga-R-ETH-4 managed to scream for a few seconds as he stepped out of the Clone-O-Matic booth directly into a tidal wave of concrete. Both the team leader and the Killbot vanished back into the hole beneath a grey tide. A few seconds later, the mass hardened into the familiar dull white of set concrete.

Pthonk! Psshtt!

“Two seconds. That has to be some sort of record.” Ga-R-ETH -5 observed, as he held up his hands, laser dropping to the floor. Seeing this, and finally recognising him from earlier, squad of IntSec troopers ran up and cuffed him and the rest of his team, dragging them off to IntSec HQ to find out what the hell was going on.

 

[locarno24]

All told, the mission resulted in fourteen troubleshooter deaths, seven INFRARED deaths, two GREEN deaths, catastrophic damage to a PLC supply vault, severe damage to the lift, the loss of an irreplaceable prototype Killbot, massive disruption to the food vat plant leading to food shortages across the sector, a GREEN-clearance security violation, and a sector-wide IntSec alert costing hundreds of thousands of credits.

The subsequent debriefing would lead to Yew-R-DED-4 being executed for treason (as the instigator and primary culprit of the damage to the PLC supply vault, laser damage to the lift doors, and the unauthorised use of the mix-o-bot).

Ga-R-ETH -5 was also executed on similar grounds, having been recorded as approving the treasonous damage to computer property, as well as having overall responsibility for the debacle given his post as Team Leader.

Com-R-ADE-3’s ability to shoot with reasonable accuracy in the darkened barracks was spun into suspected unregistered night-vision mutation by Don-R-KBB – convinced he was the one who’d shot him in the lift. Com-R did, however, come up with a cunning plan to discredit Don-R’s testimony - feeding him another packet of Haggis Algae crisps in order to portray him as a half-deranged druggie – and despite fervent denunciations of “Wag-Blobble! Flibble Ignoggle Shnooshmungle!”, the matter was dropped.

Don-R-KBB-5 was remanded to an HPD&MC Kleen-O-Brain drug dependency centre for eight weekcycles for treatment.

Crikey-O-ECK-3 has, unsurprisingly, refused to speak to any of them since.
The lightbulb in one of the other INFRARED barracks went two days later. No-one has reported it.

 

[Allen Varney]

A splendid testament to the worthy Troubleshooters! Pass along a shiny new commendation point to your players, which they may divide as they please, and take another for yourself. I'll link to this stirring account on the official PARANOIA development blog. One of these days. When I get around to it.