My synopsis for a Valeria tale....feedback wanted

Valeria goes to an obscure border town in Turan called Mossarada the Dark. Due to its location, there is a thriving black market and money for her to steal. (She is surviving as a thief) For a few coins, a low ranking government official tips her off to a house where plenty of treasure is hidden.

Valeria goes to the house only to be ambushed by four soldiers. She kills one, wounds another and the remaining two run away. Her fury is boundless due to this betrayal. She finds the official drunk on her money. He begs for mercy and tells her he was paid to send her on this fool's errand. He says he was paid by an important, wealthy woman. The man gives Valeria the name and she spares his life. However, she whacks off one of his ears as a warning.

Valeria finds the womans house, sneaks past her guard, and confronts her in the bath. The woman, named Shahjanna, advises Valeria to hold her sword. She has purposely set Valeria up in order to blackmail the female warrior. Shahjanna wants Valeria to rob a tomb where the priests and priestesses of a shadowy cult are entombed. Should Valeria refuse, the military will be notified about who killed the soldier. Suddenly, one of the soldiers appears. He turns out to be Captain of the local garrison. He is one of Shahjanna's lovers. He claims to have more men about the house ready to arrest Valeria.

Realizing she is trapped, Valeria agrees to rob the tomb. Her object is a very valuable golden amulet that a late priestesses had around her neck when buried. Shahjanna used her feminine wiles to get a magical chant revealed to her by a former priest of the Black Sect...as they are known. This chant must be recited before the tomb, otherwise there is no way to enter. Valeria's horse has been confiscated and the warrior has no money to buy another. Shahjanna also promises Valeria a pile of gold when the magical amulet is delivered.

With no way out of the situation, and needing cash badly, Valeria goes to the tomb and recites the chant. Magically a heavy stone door opens and she enters. Inside are several stone tombs. Valeria goes to the designated one and with effort, moves the stone slab enough to do her job. There is a horrible stench as she confronts the sight of a semi decayed corpse. The beautiful amulet is there and with effort the warrior tears it away. The rotted head of the owner is ripped off the body in the process and rolls across the floor. Sickened, Valeria quickly leaves.

Feeling unwell and quite miserable from the experience, Valeria rents a cheap room for the night, rather than immediately make the long trek back to Shahjanna's house. She knows she has been followed. She corners one of Shahjanna's agents and advises him that she will finish up their business first thing in the morning. Although she has the amulet on her, Valeria hints that she has hidden it, hoping to be left alone for the night.

Valeria goes into her room, closes the window and tries to sleep. She is plagued by nightmares and the memories of the dank tomb. (not to mention the severed head of the dead priestess.)

At some point in the night she wakes up, the horrible stench she recalled from the tomb has filled the room along with an awful cold. Startled, she sits up to find a huge white gorilla with a black face sitting in the room...literally taking up the entire space. There is no way for him to have entered, for the door is much to small. And there is no way for her to escape this dreadful beast.

Horrified, Valeria draws her sword and tries to strike the fiendish apparition. It simply waves a huge paw and her blade turns into a cobra. With a gasp she throws it into a corner where it returns to the form of a sword.

The ape then begins to speak with a very surreal and humanlike, refined voice. He says that he will spare her only if she gives the amulet back and then reveals the priest who gave her the magical chant, for that one is a traitor to the Black sect....The Ape reveals that he is the God of the Black Sect.

With no other choice, Valeria gives the amulet to the ghastly God and explains that it was Shahjanna the wicked who stole the chant. The ape God promises not to kill Valeria...yet. Then he turns into smoke and flies out the window. Valeria then takes a sudden intense chill and passes out. The next morning she awakens to find great chaos in the city. Shahjanna, a dozen soldiers, the Captain, and the former priest are all found horribly mutilated as if by a huge beast. Shahjanna's house and all her possessions, as well as the bodies of her and her guards, are all burned by the townsfolk. The body of the priest is dismembered and all the parts are taken to different locations and burned.

That same night Valeria finds a fat merchant, she pretends to be a prostitute and lures him to her room. She robs him and then leaves him bound and gagged in her room. She takes his money and quickly buys a horse before leaving town at once. She vows to never come near that town again and the mention of its name gives her a shudder for the rest of her life.....end Ok, what do you think......?
 
The weak link happens in the third paragraph. The whole blackmail scheme doesn't work. Why doesn't it work?

A) Valeria would probably have killed the woman before the woman could speak.

B) If the woman knows who Valeria is, then she probably knows she can probably just buy Valeria's services in the first place instead bothering with the whole charade. She is offering money despite the "blackmail" so why not just approach Valeria and offer the money?

C) If the woman is in that much command of the military, then she should just send an army after the trinket. She doesn't need Valeria. This case is proven by how easily Valeria retrieves the trinket. Valeria is not necessary for the job to be completed.

D) The last paragraph shows that the pennilessness of Valeria does not work as a motivation, which you try using in the fifth paragraph.

E) Valeria would not do the job because of this "blackmail." She would wait until she was unguarded, turn back and assassinate the noblewoman - probably without much difficulty - then steal a horse and leave town.

F) Valeria has no motivation to return to Shahjanna with the trinket. At this point she can go off on her own and sell it on her own. She will figure she can make more with the trinket on her own than Shahjanna is offering.

G) The ape god has no reason to let Valeria live. Once he has the information, why not kill her too?

All in all, this story does not work because the noblewoman does not have any motivation to use Valeria. Shahjanna is putting herself at risk for no reason. Any of her soldiers could do the task. It does not work because Valeria really isn't in danger and could easily just agree to do it, then go back and kill the villainess.

You need to have a stronger motivation for the characters to act the way they are acting. You need to establish why Shahjanna needs Valeria and why she has to use this complicated way of getting her to do this otherwise simple job. How did Shahjanna even hear about Valeria? Why does the ape god let Valeria live?

All in all, there is no proper motivation for the characters. All of them are acting stupidly, which will make the story fail.
 
those are some good points but remember it is a broad synopsis..................Actually Shahjanna does hire Valeria but she uses the black mail scheme to guarantee Valeria does the job

Good point about sending the army ....I should have made it clear that The Black Sect is powerful and and Shahjanna is trying to avoid any public connection to her, her captain, and the sect in any way. Thus she sends a common thief....that hopefully can be killed shortly thereafter...thus no link between the robbery and Shahjanna

Remember that Valeria is being followed.........and she can be arrested at any time........thats why she feels compelled to finish her task

thanks for the input
 
xssurdinynexes said:
those are some good points but remember it is a broad synopsis..................Actually Shahjanna does hire Valeria but she uses the black mail scheme to guarantee Valeria does the job

I just don't see that "blackmail" as being anything Valeria would worry about.

xssurdinynexes said:
Good point about sending the army ....I should have made it clear that The Black Sect is powerful and and Shahjanna is trying to avoid any public connection to her, her captain, and the sect in any way. Thus she sends a common thief....that hopefully can be killed shortly thereafter...thus no link between the robbery and Shahjanna.

The problem here is cliche. This plot has been done to death (Conan the Destroyer comes to mind). Valeria still has no motivation to do anything. If she is forced to go by force of arms, then the army may as well do it. Seriously, find a reason for Valeria to want to do it.

xssurdinynexes said:
Remember that Valeria is being followed.........and she can be arrested at any time........thats why she feels compelled to finish her task

I don't see the compulsion. If Valeria does not know she is being followed and does not know she can be arrested at any time, then how does this fact compel her? If she knows she is being followed, she would try to turn the tables on them - or implicate them in the crime by leaving evidence behind. I just don't see her doing meekly as she is told.

Further, if she is being followed, then the Black Sect can pick up their trail and connect the theft to Shahjanna, so she may as well just send the troops and use the theft to blackmail the Black Sect.

And what is with the pretending to be a prostitute ploy? Why not just steal the horse? Again, like most of this plot, her strategy is too convoluted. If the goal is a horse, and one lacks the money, one steals the horse. Stealing the money to buy the horse is just one extra (and unnecessary) step.

Of course, this is all just one guy's opinion. Maybe some others will chime in with some other ideas or comments.
 
May I make a suggestion or two? Some of the ideas here are not too bad--the ape thing is kind of cool as is the tomb. What I would do is avoid plot complications and go with something a little simpler. ie:

1. Valeria starts off in a bad mood. Her horse is bitten by a snake and dies of it. She ends up arriving in the city carrying her saddle and gear.

2. She mentions to the tavernkeeper who is her host that she is looking for hire. Unfortunately her first commission thinks he can hire her for her body--she becomes furious but to save his skin he tells her that if she really wants to work as a sellsword then there is a lady who needs one.

3. Then she goes to the woman who hires her for the tomb raiding job.

4. I'd suggest using the gorilla more as perhaps an illusion or something--Vincent has a good point about its motivations. What might be more interesting would be to lead into another party and deeper motivations existing about the amulet through a frightened but determined Valeria attempting to attack the gorilla only to have her sword turn into a snake et al only for her to wake up the next day and find out by some means that she was actually drugged somehow. She is also missing the amulet! This infuriates her--she will not only lose her commission but has been made a fool of. Clearly someone in the tavern is in collusion on this and in fact at that moment the tavernkeeper and one or two emloyees are about to sneak in to rob her and possibly worse. They are the ones who get it worst and she forces the wounded innkeeper to tell all--that he was bribed to drug her by a sorceror of some type.

5. Valeria has to try to fend off both a suspicious and anxious employer and also try to get the amulet back--she considers fleeing or just stealing the money but now it's personal, damn it! she was tricked and nearly robbed!

This is just a start but it might be simpler to follow a plotline a little more like this one perhaps?
 
yeah, those are some good suggestions...........when i actually write the thing...if I do.........generally lots of plot elements are ironed out in the process and of course there will be lots more details...........

about the ape god...........i dont want him to be bad necessarily, in some respects i wanted him to be sort of noble and not kill someone who is a small peg in a big plot. Thats why Valeria is sent in the first place, because the Black Sect doesnt know her and being an outsider she doesnt have the same stark fear that everyone else in town has. I want to set up a power stuggle between the local, very corrupt government and this somewhat new but mysterious cult. By making the ape god somewhat understanding in a way, I thought he could be different and add something to the story. For example he asks politely for the amulet back when he could have easily killed her.....and all that after she tried to kill him.

As for the plot not being original, I admit that ive not read most of the conan stories by other authors and im sure they have covered lots of ground. However this is a short story and to the best of my knowledge there are very few if any that feature Valeria as the main character.

Thats one of my main beefs about people using Howard's characters.......he created at least 30 or 40 truly great ones and very few have been written about ....bran mak morn, cormac mac art, red sonya are the only ones of note that I know of

anyhow, i am going to write another, more detailed synopsis.........this one was posted the morning after the idea occurred to me during the graveyard shitf!!!!!!! I realize that its pretty darn near impossible to come up with something fresh relating to conan........at least this isnt about that poor overworked dude

thanks
 
Well...(thanks Vincent btw) I'm a little wary of making the gorilla both a kind of powerful antagonist and a being of integrity. Unless you are going for the sort of thing in "Tower of the Elephant" where there are some restrictions the creature is dealing with. Otherwise I have a problem with it. If I were reading such a story I'd be saying, "Okay, why the hell didn't the ape just go and get the amulet itself in the first place?" I have a problem with the idea of a godling just wandering around doing stuff. It smacks of deus ex machina, literally in this case.

I like your general idea about why Valeria would be used to get the amulet. There are elements that are quite cool about the story. A good example is unexpectedly finding some of the characters having been torn to pieces. However if you're going to do that then it would be cooler still to keep the ape a mystery. I would instead of having the ape be a character (I know you like the idea but I'm really not sure that it works) have it like the ourangoutan in "Murders in the Rue Morgue" where it is a mysterious killer. Play up the Lovecraftian/Howardish sense of supernatural terror by now and then using it as a goad or effect in the story.

When I was reading some of Robert Jordan's Conan pastiches I think what left me a little cold is the contrast between the way Howard writes of the supernatural and the way Jordan seems to. Where Howard leaves you wondering about what a creature is like till nearly the end of the story most of the time Jordan will describe it fully in the second chapter of the book. So for instance while Conan the Magnificent is kind of a fun story it is robbed of suspense by knowing what the dragon looks like and pretty much is from the start.

Anyway, just my thoughts. If you or someone else can figure out how to put the ape in as a character and make it work then fair enough. I encourage you to work on the story, as you say Valeria would be an interesting character to depict. [/i]
 
hmmmmmmmmm, now I do like the idea of folks finding a few corrupt government officials ripped mysteriously to shreds right before Valeria hits town....thats pretty cool and would better explain Shahjanna's reservations about sending her own guys to rob the tomb too. Possibly Valeria hasnt heard all the rumors yet. Im starting to key in on the aspect of the ape god and his cult as being something of an underground political movement
 
Hello Xssurdinynexes !

My opinion about the ape-god : if you want to make him some kind of being of integrity, Aholibamah's reference to Tower of the Elephant is a good start. He could be, like Yogah in Khitai, an alien who is worshipped by humans as a god. I think he shouldn't be at the head of the sect. It is also possible that he doesn't actually want this worship. He could also suffer from some restrictions from being on earth/being cursed/wounded/recovering from tortures inflicted by a powerful sorcerer. The illusion idea given earlier is also another interesting possibility.

And what are the (supposed or real) powers of the "magical" amulet ? Why does the ape-god want it back ?
Why did he let the amulet be buried in the first place (or did not try to recover it somehow) if he needs it ?

IMHO both VND and Aholibamah made very good points regarding Valeria's state of mind and the motivations of the characters that you really need to rework.

Of course, only my (humble) opinions. The story has some good elements and I tried to add only some constructive criticism.

BTW, I also believe that the Conan character has been overused and that other characters could deserve as well pastiches. Will you post your story in the Fan Fiction forum soon ?
 
very good post there.....there seems to be a lot of interest in the Ape God and his role in the tale...interesting that!

I may post a revised synopsis first......this one was very hastily done but it seems to have scored a few points for me anyhow. I have something really big planned for the fanfic forum .......Give me a couple more weeks to hammer it all out in my head first....and do a bit of research.....hint..it wont be about Conan but another VERY popular character (and a couple of lesser ones as well)....might even toss in a bit of Lovecraft and a famous witch......and possibly even a historical figure from the 1800's

Im really not much of a writer (Im just getting started with prose) but Ive got an imagination big as Phil Spector's wig collection.......we'll see what happens...thanks for the input!!!!!!!

Obviously Howard was the master at creating just plain incredible characters........what a genius that guy was
 
Hi there--I also encourage you: get down to writing this. Start maybe with images, scenes. Make them vivid, try to bring what you can picture to life. The plot in a way will follow after if you have a clear idea about it. Then let us know so we can read it!
 
Back
Top